I miss you, Nanay.

A house needs a grandma in it. ~Louisa May Alcott

My first blog post goes to my favorite person in the world, although she may not have felt it when she was still here with us. I grew up under her and my lolo’s care. But I was too immature back then to let her feel how grateful I am for her and my lolo as well, and I regret that. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.  

Last year, while I was still reviewing for the bar exams in Starbucks Hampton, a lola sat beside me. She was a typical lola with a staff to aid her walking. She asked me to help her write her name (or her husband’s name, I forgot) in an envelope she would drop in a church nearby. I readily obeyed. Then she started telling me the story of her life, and how she misses her husband. I can clearly recall the sadness in her eyes when she uttered,

“Ang lungkot mag-isa.”

That moment, my heart was broken into pieces. I cried. I felt how sad she was. I felt her longing for her husband, how sad she was of not being able to sleep and wake up with the love of her life again, and talk about silly things, and see their grandchildren grow up. I really wanted to hug her and tell her she is the most beautiful woman ever, and that she deserves to be happy.

Then she noticed me crying. She asked me why. I said, I miss my lola. I am sure my lola felt that way too, even while she was with us.

I wish I could tell her I am willing to be with her and take care of her. No lola should ever feel that way, they are the best person to have to experience how beautiful life is, after all they’ve been through, whatever. I suddenly missed my lola. 

Then she saw my reading materials. She asked about it. I told her I was reviewing for the bar exams. She firmly told me,

“You will be a lawyer. I can see it in you. God will make you a lawyer.”

She then gave me a business card of her daughter, and told me I might want to order some delicious cakes and stuff. 🙂 Then we said goodbye. You would not believe she is still driving herself home, and then back to her husband, then church, then home again ~her daily routine.

Sometimes I would tell God,

“What if I want to be selfish and ask You to give my Nanay back? Would you?”

When things get difficult in our family, I would talk to my lola and tell her how I wanted her back, so bad. I know just one word from her will make things a whole lot better. I need her. I would trade anything just to have her back again. And I am serious about that. I miss her. Nanay would tell people how proud she is of me. But I was so immature. I was so blinded by youth to appreciate everything she did for us, for me. I wish I could turn back time and show her what I am now. That she did a very good job raising a lawyer, and to Tatay as well. That I am willing to work hard and take her to all the places that would cure her pain. I am mature now, Nanay. I am ready to take care of you. I am ready to defend you. I am ready to protect you and show you how beautiful life can be. There are times I imagine myself hugging you and recalling how that feels. I have so much story to tell you. I have so much things to ask you. I simply miss you..

After taking the bar exams, I prayed so hard that I would top the bar. I even had my speech ready, and rehearse it quite often, mostly while I was taking the shower. I was supposed to tell the world how my Nanay raised a bar topnotcher. I would direct the angels up there to arrange a grand celebration complete with party poppers and glitters, because two of them up there did a very good job here on earth. But I did not top the bar, hehe. But I still want to tell the world that 🙂

When I passed the bar exams, I remembered lola in Starbucks. I called her daughter through the number in the business card she gave me. The phone rang, the person named in the business card answered. I asked for her mother. Her mother asked who I am. I told her, I was the person whom she believed would pass the bar exams, during the time I was doubting myself. And she was right, I passed the bar exams. She cried. I cried. 

I pray to God that no grandparent will feel neglected and unloved. They deserve the love that is unfailing, just because. And to you, please love your lola and lolo. They are life’s greatest treasure we could keep for a time we never know how long. Kiss them, hug them, tell them you love them everyday. Or you will regret not having done that. 

I miss you and I love you everyday, Nanay and Tatay. I hope I make you proud there in heaven in whatever I do. I know you both have the best seats up there, guiding us, cheering at every milestone, crying at every defeat. I take confidence to the fact that I  have my two best prayer warriors who are elbow to elbow with God and all the angels, and that wherever I go, I am safe because I have two beautiful angels watching over me. I love you both, and from the bottom of my heart, I miss both of you every day. Papa God, please hug and kiss them for me.